Qualms

I sat. I wondered. And i dig into the past.
Then came an uneasy feeling, wondering what i did to myself.
There might be certain wrongdoings i wish i didnt make. But looking back, there's really nothing i can do cause i've drifted too far, fallen too deep. From everything i used to be, everything i used to have. Including some of the values i used to stand for, now labelled and altered to suit 'societal norms'.
Im not ashamed to say i've changed, alot. As much as im still the jovial person many know of, i guess life isnt always an uphill. I do have down days like this.
I know im much more mature than my peers, after going thru so many of life's events, that im so cautious of anything and everything. Having gone thru the furnest, i must admit im not refined. Im not a perfect person, yet i cant figure my high expectations for most things. I dont know why i love plans, so much so i wonder if i have a hint of autism running in my blood. I do not know why im slogging my life out- working 6 days a week. Money is a motivation factor, but it has taken colours out of many other days, when i recall 'ohh sunday still must work'. As much as Mum nags at me, she has been of great support in my work life-she has never failed to wash 2 suit dresses i wear on weekdays, and my dirty Sunday scrub.
I want the zest i used to have. I dont know where im heading now. And shamefully admit im a bummer living day by day, with a 2 year bond stuck to my ass, a worrysome one thanks to the volatile stock market. I do have ideal plans. And money determines it all. My plans are so vague i cant visualize myself there, just yet.
And sometimes i do miss having a boyfriend. Not that im deprived. (Nor lack suitors. For that matter. Haha!) But the things you can share with a boyfriend, a good girlfriend and a close sibling is, ironically, of stark contrast.
I know TheAbove still loves me, and i know how normal it is to be ashamed to face Him again. Yet im feeling everything i know of head knowledge. Im so stubborn i dont wanna make a u turn, yet.

But still, i wear a smile.
No matter where i go, whatever the weather, i bring my own sunshine-for others, at least.
Then again, why dont i come to my senses, tear down my fences and open the gate.
Ah! Do you know my favourite song right now? Desperado, esp. by EmiFujita!