Burn

Light peeks through her gloomy nights. And she found the lyrics to a song that best fits him(at least fer abit)! Presenting to you the oh-so-passé Usher-Burn.

I don't understand why
See it's burning me to hold onto this
I know this is something I gotta do
But that don't mean I want to
What I'm trying to say is that I-love-you I just
I feel like this is coming to an end
And its better for me to
Let it go now than hold on and hurt you
I gotta let it burn

It's gonna burn for me to say this
But it's comin from my heart
It's been a long time comin
But we done been fell apart
Really wanna work this out
But I don't think you're gonna change
I do but you don't
Think it's best we go our separate ways
Tell me why I should stay in this relationship
When I'm hurting baby, I ain't happy baby
Plus there's so many other things I gotta deal with
I think that you should let it burn

[Chorus]
When the feeling ain't the same and your body don't want to
But you know gotta let it go cuz the party ain't jumpin' like it used to
Even though this might bruise you
Let it burn
Let it burn
Gotta let it burn
Deep down you know it's best for yourself but you
Hate the thought of her being with someone else
But you know that it's over
We know it is through
Let it burn
Let it burn
Gotta let it burn

Sendin' pages I ain't supposed to
Got somebody here but I want you
Cause the feelin ain't the same find myself
Callin' her your name
Ladies tell me do you understand?
Now all my fellas do you feel my pain?
It's the way I feel
I know I made a mistake
Now it's too late
I know she ain't comin back
What I gotta do now
To get my shorty back
Ooo ooo ooo ooooh
Man I don't know what I'm gonna do
Without my booo
You've been gone for too long
It's been fifty-'leven days, um-teen hours
Imma be burnin' till you return (let it burn)

I'm twisted cuz one side of me is tellin' me
that I need to move on
On the other side I wanna break down
and cry (ooooh)
I'm twisted cuz one side of me is tellin' me
that I need to move on
On the other side I wanna break down and cry (yeah)

Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh oooh
Ooh ooh oooh (can ya feel me burnin'?)
Ooh ooh ooh oooh ooh oooh

So many days, so many hours
I'm still burnin' till you return

Hail Ruth!

Saturday and clear skies.
I know you'd be pleasingly surprised/puzzled/relieved.

And so the stubborn woman pressed in, and the clouds cleared as they said the things they always needed to say. Here's the conclusion.

Her downfall was obsession. She realised, after they wound up. But it was too late to turn tables. She missed the signs he dropped. And he could take it no longer. Imagine the guilt he felt when she had sleepless nights and cried to sleep. This marks the end of the chapter. He did the best that he knew how, by calling or sms-ing her during his free time. We eroded. We lost to national service, somehow.
She's glad to know that he gave her more time to realise. Had it been any other girl, he'd have given up the moment obsession started.
He fell head over heels with the once independant strong woman, who now is striving to be herself again.
As harsh as the entire conversation sounded, it is because he dont like to keep nor drag things.
He is now a happier person, having time for himself, family, friends and the digital space, focusing on his army career. He is unsure but hopes to hang out like we did long long ago. It didnt hurt much when we wound, but felt relieved-he was too tired of this relationshit. He didnt think of the happy moments we had, but will definately remember them. He is strong and dont give in to weaknesses of the heart.
He wants her to get on with life, and go back to what she was before-'the strong independent mature woman'.

Initially, she was looking for an instant turn back. But after much evaluation, she knew that somehow, she has to let go. As hurt as she may be, she will someday overcome and be strong again. She'll learn to value herself. He's the sweetest thing she's ever met, and will always remember him.
She thanks him for appearing in her life. Because feelings ignited, they shared a good few months. She's grateful everything happened cause he was able to make her feel so loved, because she never knew she had the ability to love someone so deep.
There were many things they did that would provide her with the memories to truely believe they did share something. Their romance has to be described as whirlwind. She'll still miss him fer abit. Dont worry, she'll get over it in awhile. As for now, he's agreed to bear with (ignore?) her friendly sms-es that would come more than once in awhile-really just to check out how he's doing in god forsaken land.

On a lighter note, here's the last part of their convo.
She says:
WHAT DID U DO TO OUR BEAUTIFUL PHOTOGRAPH. Use and put paint? Haha ((insider's info))
He/ says: (4:39:29 PM)
nope. its still there
She says: (4:39:56 PM)
Take down la. But must keep! And show the next lucky girl how pretty ur ex gf is.

Now the pain sets in, occasionally. But she doesn't cry anymore. And has decided to put this painful past behind-Throw it away, forget yesterday. Sunshine peeks through! And she'll wear that beautiful genuine smile once again.

Diagnosis

From a medical doctor's humble point of view:
Everyone dreams when they sleep. But a recurrent and unhappy one is caused by a sudden change of event(s), or a conflict situation, coupled with the chronic lack of sleep. And because the patient is trying to overcome, his subconcious and concious mind works to (i forget what). You might be suffering from a minor post traumatic stress disorder, which is often characterized by bad dreams.

Reminisce

She thanks her friends for their care and concern in the form of smses and company that flooded her. Trucks of hugs and kisses. :) Esp to kellylogical, who was with her through her thick and thin. :I love you babe:

And Tracy, who works at Ben&Jerry's made me cake! Let the picture speak for itself!

Although she has been weeping to sleep, waking up at night thinking her phone rang, thinking bout him throughout the day, waiting aimlessly for his sms, she'd be fine. Because she once told him "That which doesnt kill you makes you stronger". And she'll live to practice that. She'd be keeping a lookout for the rainbow of their salvation. Yet she's stuck in an ironic situation-to really let it go.

And she's honoured to be the one who brought him back into love. (Hopefully another vomit episode doesnt begin!)

She wants him to remember aught that took place these months.

He got her attention easily, but took a long long time for the status change. When they were dating, he surprised her with a GG5 babydoll blouse she fancied. On his trip to Thailand, he bought her a tShirt. He successfully persuaded her into having kids after marriage. He drove her around without complaining. He assured and encouraged her when she drove. He taught her mah jong. His hugs and kisses were the warmest. He patiently taught her how to play the guitar-and the first song she learnt was Collide. He held her hands when they crossed the road. Recently, he gave her a peck at every red light. He squeezed toothpaste for her. He bought his dental hygienist/therapist Cherry Push Pops. He loves creamy pasta-Urm not sure bout whipped cream on.............. He tease her and calls her a 'xiao qi gui'. His heart ached whenever she winced. He promised to sponge and feed her if she is running a fever. He brought her out of the hustle bustle, sat on dewy grass to be beneath a black velvet sky and star gazed. He sent her honey coated smses. He hates it when she wants to give him an oral examination. He likes her bangs parted to the side. He associates her with the song Ju Hua Tai.

Without music background, she learnt RobbieWilliam's-She's The One on guitar while he was away in Thailand. She made him mint cookies with love. She watched the fire and made him soup. She nagged at him to always plan plan and plan. She accompanied him for LASIK. She taught him how to brush using the bass technique. She noticed his nighttime grinding habits and urged him to get a MCI nightguard, and his unerupted lower second premolars, to consider implantology in future. She was observant and took care of his needs. She loves having breakfast and talking over coffee. Once, after a bad quarrel the previous night, she sent breakfast to his place at 6.30am before making her way to work. She had her virgin clubbing experience. She meticulously pincered out his moustache-say Ouch! She cooked him lunch. She loves the pasta served at Sembawang Hill Food Court. She loved Sam. She prepared vitamin C pills and medication before he enlisted for national service. She gave him his freedom, freetime for family and friends. She melts whenever he hugged her from the back. She prints him memorable photographs. She gives him a massage almost everytime they meet. She loves reading the newspapers at the dining table in the morning. She'll never forget how his fingers ran through his hair. She listens to Dapapepe and it reminds her of him.

They sang a duet-Way Back Into Love. They went jogging early in the morning and had a good breakfast after. They slept over in the arms of one another. They have met each other's folks. They had chicken rice on their first date. They once went on an expensive date(>$80!). They watched rented legal DVD's together-the most memorable was Blood Diamond-it all started. They love hanging out with R&K and the other boys. They slow danced, tickled and wrestled in his room-she'd end up pleading for mercy! They look each other into the eyes and hugged. They'd set an earlier wake up time-so they'd have time for a good snuggle. They had fond memories.

So you tell her, what went wrong?
She has been left hanging for the past week. So is this being fair to her? Food for thought.

I've been having nightmares. On Tues, i dreamt it was the beginning of a recession, and i fell into poverty-it was scary. Every other night, i'd see scenes of green and black fields, with dead or the dying scattered here and there.
And i also find myself piling on perfume, subconciously.
Interpret my dream!

Signing Off

From Him To Her
We've been together for quite awhile already and we've been through a couple of rough patches. I dont want to hurt you anymore and neither do I want to continue lying to you or myself. You've been a great girlfriend and yes i do admit we did have lots of great memories. It's just that i find that things didnt work out for the both of us, at least not what i thought it would be. I've been a selfish guy all along, but i hope you'll understand. Maybe it would be better if the both of us parted ways, i do not want to hurt you any longer. You dont see it. But you've changed alot since we began. I think its unhealthy the way we are.

From Her To Him
I disagree but i've no choice. These 3 mths is like a rollercoaster trail. I've enjoyed the ride and am proud to say i did my best. You've been a really good companion. As much as i hate to see you go, i know you can take it no longer. It'll take me awhile to get over us. Because i do love you. I'll let you go, but i cherish the meeting of two persons. I do hope we'll remain as special friends. You can call me if you need someone to talk to, someone to discuss matters with. One last hug, Ham.

From Her To His Folks
Aunty Michelle, you taught me how i was able to sow into the lives of these little children, not merely rendering them dentally fit, but telling them the importance of personal hygiene and carrying themselves well. When i started work, I pointed out dirty shoes and unpressed uniform, unkempt hairdo. And guess what i hate most? Students who drag their feet! And oh, did i forget to mention how gorgeous u looked when u had your tresses in bouncy curls?
Major Chan, thanks for your smiles, they were so welcoming.
Sab, the last i remember of you: Singing! And actually, Oolong tea isnt as bad as it looks. Still, green tea gets my vote.
Tina displayed the essence of being a princess. You go girl! All the best in your O levels!
On the overall, thank you for showing me a complete family and how submissive, yet independant, a wife should be. It also showed me how it is possible to remain loving even after >2 decades of marriage.
And to Sam, the dog trapped in a cat's body, you've been such a dear. You saw other felines go, the last was Froddo, must have been heart breaking, isnt it. That rascal was special in his own lil way.

Her Stand When She Felt Toothy
This breakup is like tooth extraction. It leaves a socket of emptyness, but best if exo in toto, lest infection occurs. Haemostasis not achieved yet, but will bite on a gauze and move on. Who knows what happens in the future. Post op instructions clear cut, no running away, dont chew on it. Body healing will occur, and hopefully, another successor erupts. Or place an implant if conditions prove favourable. Unlike other breakups-which likens to attrition, slowly wears you down and leave you with nothing.

Her (Ir)rational Thoughts
Who's to say where the winds will take us to, from the status change of a date to a girlfriend. Now, who's to say what it is will break us. Even though the moment passed me by, i still can't turn away from those dreams i never thought i'd lose. I vividly remember all we've discussed and compromised about, from marriage rituals to the family to the kid and entertaining your guests as a clinician you'd be proud of. We broke down way too fast, these reruns become our history. I've acknowledged but have yet to accept this fact. Part of me hallucinates us being back together again-I couldnt fight it. Deep inside me i feel like im withering. I plead with you to surrender. Living without you, my days have been and would be oh so forlorn. If you give me a chance to try again, pick me up from the desolates, throw your arms around me and protect me.
I guess the independant woman you once loved has given way to obsession. Im sorry. But if you ever return for a 2nd chance, i promise to be as translucent as you like it to be. Because i've come to the realisation that you are a family person and needs personal time for yourself and that colour box in the living room.

"I wish I can tell you that I'm feeling better everyday
that I didn't hurt when you walked away
but to tell you the truth I can't find my way
That deep inside me I feel like I'm dying"

I still feel you hugging me to bed. No one has ever given me this sense of security. I dont want just anyone to hold. I lie my night away thinking of the past we once shared-happy memories. Moments before i drift into dreamland, i recall those stay over nights. It seemed so near yet so far away. Emotional fatigue takes over and pretty soon, dawn breaks, drawing me closer to another day i might see you.
I wonder if you've taken our picture down, if you think of me despite an entire day of physical activities, if you ever teared for me, how different it'd be should you come back. I hope you tear at the sight of our picture because it sends a heartache, and that you thought of me, even for a few seconds before bed, and dream bout our ideal future that is to come once we sort things out.
I tell myself, our beautiful past and departure must be hard and painful on you too, cause even beasts would think bout the good o days. And that you still have positive feelings bout us and for me, for we didnt part cause either of us cheated. These are the only consolation i live with. Knowing that, my hope dangles on a string till the day someone else tugs at your heartstrings.
And the cycle repeats, waking up hoping for an SMS, wanting me back. I know that is but false hope. Yet i dont know how to be strong, so i'll just hang on. Come back home, stay with me. I know its not too late. Lets walk down this rocky path.

I can go on and on writing bout our past and my broken heart. But i shall stop because the pain is too intense. And i wonder even more when i recall what i've done for you, for us.

Before you or someone else pick up my heart shards, I shall learn to breathe on my own.

I do love y.o.u.

Blind-Life house.
I was young but I wasn't naive
I watched helpless
As you turn around to leave
And still I have the pain I have to carry
A past so deep
That even you could not bury if you tried

After all this time
I never thought we'd be here
Never thought we'd be here
When my love for you was blind
But I couldn't make you see it
Couldn't make you see it

That I loved you more
Then you will ever know
And part of me died
When I let you go

I would fall asleep
Only in hopes of dreaming
That everything
Would be like it was before
But nights like this
It seems are slowly fleeting
They disappear as reality is crashing to the floor

Dried tears

I dont know why i got so attached. I realise im not your match. Every moment needs to be snatched. Im bout to snap in this shape.

Give me a chance. And i'll turn back time. To retrieve my fantasies. I've forgotten how it used to be.

I rougly recall seeing heaven in your eyes. Your grey sly eyes, turned full upon me, how its wavelets had me drowned.

Come back home, mi corazon.

It seems no matter what I do, would rescue me back to you. Tell Gary Chapman there's a 6th love language, cause none of the 5 works.

I'm so scared of losing you. I really don't know what to do. Can't bear the thought of being apart.

Come back home, mi corazon.

Touch

Because im better at expressing love through hugs than to put it into words.
That hug was a loud burst of emotions.
It says "I love you so, and i hate to see you go."
I dont know what crossed your mind as i clung on tightly to you.
Were you nicely trying to push me away? Or cherishing that moment of silence and bond between our hearts?
I dont want to know.
All you need to know is that millions and millions of years would still not give me enough time to describe that tiny instant of eternity and bliss when my cheeks rest on your chest, when i felt your faint heartbeat, when i amourously encircled my arms around you.
How i wish for it to last forever.
Then came your crushing embrace- i broke down, silently.
Because i dont want to burden you, even more.
Would that be the last time, i questioned myself in fear.
Would you cry, if you saw me crying.
As we part with a peck, i look forward to the next simple hug.
I want you to know that it really wasnt easy to part.
Every thought of that embrace sends a well of tears.
And now, as i close my eyes, that memory really warms my heart.
Am i in too deep?
Have i lost my mind?

Because i say i love you so.
Because i say i need you so.
I want to be in your arms, where you hold me tight and never let me go.
Because you say there is but four more weeks to go.
I never want to forget how your fingers ran through my hair.
Because they say there's light at the end of the tunnel.
Because they say there's a rainbow after the rain.

In these difficult times, i want you to know that i want and will give you my full support.
Hold on, if you feel like letting go.
Hold on, it gets better than you know.
'Yeah it bleeds just to know you're alive"
This pain you cannot bear.
I will always be there.

Couple of Random Thoughts

Mucus soaked a piece of tissue rolled to resemble cotton rolls(or tampons).
The viscous body fluid was on my mask. Some gathered and headed for the face shield.
Nuff said.

Nursing a couple of rhinitis episodes these days gave me a vivid realization of the caducity of life. When you're up and about, the comfort of being in the pink of health? Transparent.

And i do not understand how people take things for granted. Get this right, my avids, YOU are in control. YOU make change, YOU make the difference. In all you do, put in your BEST effort. Lest anything falls apart one day, you'll have no regrets. Spring a lil surprise, buy a cuppa coffee for your collegue today! A little goes a long way. Why buy flowers for the dead when the living can smell 'em?



Where'd you go?
I miss you so
Seems like its been forever that you've been gone

I say somedays I feel like shit
Somedays I wanna quit and just be normal for a bit
I quite understand why you have to always be gone
I get along but your trips always feel so long
And I find myself trying to stay by the phone
'Cause your voice always helps me to not feel so alone
But I feel like an idiot, working my day around a call
And when I pick up I don't have much to say, so

I want you to know its a little f* up that
I'm stuck here waiting, not debating
That I've had it with you and your career

You know, the place where we used to meet
Used to mahjong with Coke for abit
Used to have a little party
with prata by the pile but now
you only stop by every once in a while
Shit
I find myself just filling my time
With anything to keep the thought of you from my mind
I'm doing fine and I'm plannin' to keep it that way
You can call me if you find that you have something to say

I want you to know its a little f* up that
I'm stuck here waiting, no longer debatin'
Tired of sulking and pouting' and making these excuses
For why you're not around, and feeling sorta helpless
It seems that one thing has been true all along
You don't really know what you've got till its gone
I guess I've had it with you and your career
When you come back I won't be here and you can sing it

Where'd you go?
I miss you so
Seems like its been forever that you've been gone
Please Come back home

Homework

i try: to religiously start using sunblock and moisturizer on my face.

i know: i can be more stubborn than a bull.

i want: to be healthy. Health is wealth. I hate getting episodes of asthma and rhinitis.

i wish: my prince charming picks me up in a pumpkin. (Although what is essential is invisible to the eye, check out my wish list too!)

i hate: reckless drivers-they put others at risk. cockroaches-they should extinct together with dinosaurs and let the bobos stay!

i miss: the good o' days with cws. I do love my past. But I love my present. Im not ashamed of what I've had, and I'm not sad because I have it no longer.

i hear: (Love 97.2FM at work -.-) DongFangBilly telling me to eat like a king for breakfast. Ignoring the part bout eating lesser during lunch and a wee bit for dinner,

i fear: being tubby (Think Thinkywinky, Dipsy, Lala & Po.) Gross.

i search: for my name in God's Book Of Life. (Ha!)

i believe: my society is all bout paperchase, politeness is half good manners half good lying and a kiss is a lovely trick designed to stop speech when words become superfluous.

i wonder: what will become of me 10 years from now.

i regret: wanting an easier path by going for polytechnic education.

i love: laughing myself silly.

i care: for my lil sis and alot for my patients, seriously.

i always: touch dental instruments with soiled gloves.(Haha, gotcha!)

i cry: and nobody sees me fallen.

i fight: with my elder brother when we were young. Over plastic blocks called Lego.

i write: using Mitsubishi's waterproof ink pen. Maroon Blueblack & Orange are my favourites!

i win: and my keys are ignorance and confidence. "Just chiong larh"

i lose: (what kinda question?!) because i gave way to the champion.

i confuse: chinese characters 7 & 9 in a game of mah jong.

i listen: and meticulously analyze your spoken thoughts, articulation of words and try hard keeping awake. HAHA.

i breathe: freely again if the market picks up. to tell others bout being a civil servant because language is invented to satisfy my deep need to complain.

i should: learn to cut some slack at work. People forget how fast you did a job, but they remember how well you did it. (To hell with my angelic twin, whatever she said that line for!?)

i dream: of going to underdeveloped countries to be on the giving end. Lettme hon my skills with these imps before doing so.

i feel: like a phone-love to be held and talked to. But if YOU press the wrong button, you'll be disconnected.

i am not: a dental NURSE. Neighbourhood aunties who thinks ultra copper hair and budda perms are the IN thing, take the word M-I-S-S-Y out of your dictionary.

I rest my case.