The worst relationships are the ones that wear away at you by attrition.
One modest disappointment after another.
A neglected call.
A missed dinner date.
A forgotten gift.
Love isn't always about grand gestures and flowery apologies.
You never had to spend much time with me.
And I never asked for much - just the certainty that when you said you'd call back, you would. Or that if you couldn't make it in time, you'd let me know.
Simple courtesies like that.
Do you know the amount of time I spent waiting for you to call?
Or keeping my fingers crossed in agony over whether you'd make it to see me?
I would put my plans on hold for up to a week on the off-chance.
Of course I grew tired of waiting.
But then I'd wait some more.
Of course I'd tell myself that I would never let anyone else string me along this way. But when the opportunity presented itself, I'd just do it all over again.
That's why I said that knowledge makes me vulnerable.
Nobody but me should know that I suffered like that.
I never told you because I just wanted the few times we had together to be happy and free of these banal little irritations.
I just assumed things would get better with time.
I never told you because I needed to preserve my dignity.
I was a strong, confident woman who didn't need anyone else in her life, who had a string of people who loved to spend time with her, who went through men like water.
Why was I being over-sensitive and needy and pathetic like this?
Absolutely out of character.
I had to disown that part of myself.
And thus, I had to disown what I felt about you.
And so I did things to sabotage our relationship.
I kept the truth from you.
Because that was the only thing I had control over. I had to convince myself that I didn't care. I had to numb myself to what I felt. I used other men with their tokens of affection to fill the gaping void you tore inside me.That's how it all works together, okay? Like a bird with a broken wing. Looking out at the sky and wanting to fly but knowing it never will. And so it begins to eat away at its feathers and starve itself in despair. Knowing that the more it destroys itself, the less chances it will have to escape the cage it's in. I wanted to respond to you today. And I began to, in a rather clumsy and inadequate way. But you see, I started crying at my phone and everyone started looking at me funny. And I had to stop myself. It's not that I wanted to shut you out. (What would be the point since you know too much already.) It's just that I can't talk about it right now. I just can't. Maybe one day we will have a "Before Sunset" moment. Or not, as life sees fit. You asked if I thought about you. Well I do - and I did especially when I watched that movie. Sentimental me. If you want answers, come find me another day - at the right time and in the right place - and I will tell you everything. Or maybe you will read this and you'll know. Whatever it is, until I next hear from you, take care of yourself.